Retyping monstrosities

The inconsistent world building and rules in D&D drives me insane. I finally sat down and took a look at the fifty monstrosities in the MM and changed their type to something that is not literally a miscellaneous category. I included a commentary explaining my decision and, where applicable, the monsters' type in 4e D&D.

Trademarked monster names have been crossed out and replaced with non-trademarked names. Wizards of the Coast is a real stickler for that sort of thing.

You may notice that the monstrosity type description states monstrosities are unnatural while most of these monsters had the natural origin in 4e. I find that sort of sloppiness hilarious.

Lastly, none of my choices are set in stone. For a few monsters I suggested multiple types. Too bad the stupid rules don't let you have multiple types for no apparent reason.

Name: Ankheg
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast
Commentary: It’s a giant ant that sprays formic acid. It’s no more a “monstrosity” than a giant scorpion.

Name: Basilisk
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast or dragon
Commentary: The basilisk dates back to medieval bestiaries, which considered it a wholly natural creature. It’s a scaly lizard with a ranged attack, which qualifies for dragon as far as I’m concerned.

Name: Behir
4e type: natural magical beast
My type: beast, dragon or elemental
Commentary: If the stirge, cranium rat and tressym are considered beasts, then so can this. Since it is scaly and shoots lightning, I think it easily qualifies for dragon or elemental.

Name: Bulette
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast, dragon or elemental
Commentary: It’s a freaking land shark. How is that unnatural and malevolent? It can also be a dragon or elemental, since those types really needs diversity.

Name: Carrion Crawler Corpse Creeper
4e type: aberrant beast
My type: aberration or beast
Commentary: It’s a giant maggot. As with the ankheg, it’s no more monstrous than other giant arthropods. If it’s really important, we can fluff it as a refugee from the Far Realm or something.

Name: Centaur
4e type: fey humanoid
My type: fey, giant or humanoid (—)
Commentary: How the hell are centaurs monstrosities? What is the logic behind that when flying snake, stirges, cranium rats and tressym are beasts? Humanoids include people with fish tails instead of legs, people who literally have fish for heads, furries and so forth.

Name: Chimera
4e type: natural magical beast
My type: beast or dragon
Commentary: It has the heads of a lion, goat and dragon. It’s a beast or a dragon, not a monstrosity.

Name: Cockatrice
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast or dragon
Commentary: Same logic as the basilisk.

Name: Darkmantle
4e type: shadow magical beast
My type: beast or elemental
Commentary: This is a land squid that lives in dungeons. It’s native to the Shadowfell, so I guess it’s a shadow elemental?

Name: Displacer Beast Coeurl
4e type: fey magical beast
My type: beast or fey
Commentary: If blink dogs and hags are fey, then so can this thing. It’s just a cat with six legs and tentacles glued on, lifted directly from Voyage of the Space Beagle.

Name: Doppelganger
4e type: natural humanoid (shapechanger)
My type: humanoid or ooze (shapechanger)
Commentary: It’s a thing that pretends to be another thing. So spooky!

Name: Drider
4e type: fey humanoid (spider)
My type: fey, giant or humanoid (elf)
Commentary: It’s a Drow stitched onto a giant spider. If it’s components are not monstrosities, why would it be?

Name: Ettercap
4e type: natural humanoid (spider)
My type: humanoid (—)
Commentary: Humanoids include mermaids, people who literally have fish for heads, furries and so forth. How is spiderman not a humanoid?

Name: Gorgon
4e type: elemental beast
My type: beast, dragon or elemental
Commentary: It can fit into a few types, since type diversity is a problem in this game.

Name: Grick and Grick Alpha
4e type: aberrant beast
My type: aberration or beast
Commentary: It’s a land squid that lives in dungeons. I’m so terrified!

Name: Griffon and Hippogriff
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast or dragon
Commentary: Same logic as basilisk. If people are taming these as mounts, how are they monstrosities more than other monsters? If you want to reference them being based on discoveries of dinosaur fossils, or just want the dragon type to be diverse and include feathered or furred dragons, then make them dragons. Or both? There’s no logical reason a monster cannot have more than one type other than idiotic game logic. Also, did you know that the hippogriff originated as an idiom for the impossible? I guess one of the bazillion mad wizards running around decided to make one as a practical joke.

Name: Harpy
4e type: fey humanoid
My type: fey or humanoid (—)
Commentary: Again, the humanoid type has fish people.

Name: Hook Horror Hook Fiend
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast or giant
Commentary: A gorilla with a bird head and hooks for hands like in that urban legend. I’m so terrified!

Name: Hydra
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast or dragon
Commentary: It’s a giant lizard that occasionally breathes fire or ice. Did you know that heraldry and bestiaries in reality consider it a type of dragon?

Name: Kraken
4e type: not found
My type: beast, celestial, dragon, elemental, etc (titan)
Commentary: It’s a giant squid that the gods, who are psychotic assholes, send to destroy civilizations and eat princesses. Why are half these monsters clearly rip-offs of those lame [Noun] of the Titans films?

Name: Lamia
4e type: fey magical beast
My type: fey or humanoid (—)
Commentary: Same logic as centaur and harpy.

Name: Manticore
4e type: natural magical beast
My type: beast
Commentary: Same logic as basilisk and griffon. The ancient Greeks genuinely believed this guy existed and was wholly natural.

Name: Medusa
4e type: natural humanoid
My type: dragon or humanoid (—)
Commentary: Scaly skin, snakes for hair? Makes sense to be a dragon.

Name: Merrow
4e type: not found
My type: fiend or giant
Commentary: They are stated to be merfolk corrupted by the demon lord of fish. Since it's apparently against the rules for humanoids to be bigger than medium-size, I chose giant rather than humanoid (merfolk).

Name: Mimic
4e type: not found
My type: ooze (shapechanger)
Commentary: Another thing that imitates other things. So spooky! I can barely suppress my sarcasm.

Name: Minotaur
4e type: natural humanoid
My type: giant
Commentary: Eight foot tall dude with a literal bull-head? Makes sense as a giant.

Name: Spirit Naga and Guardian Naga
4e type: immortal magical beast
My type: celestial, dragon or fiend
Commentary: Description says it revives after death because magic. Might as well be a dragon, maybe celestial or fiend depending on alignment.

Name: Owlbear
4e type: fey beast
My type: beast or fey
Commentary: Medieval folks believed that geese grew on trees and cotton was harvested from a vegetable lamb. An owlbear would be considered no more monstrous than a regular wolf.

Name: Peryton
4e type: not found
My type: beast, fey, fiend, undead, whatever
Commentary: These were invented as a practical joke by a dude writing a bestiary. While the manual portrays them as generic monsters that exist for no reason other than to be killed by the heroes, their original depictions gave them an elaborate made-up history about being lost souls from Atlantis who hated humanity for destroying their paradise.

Name: Piercer and Roper (different life stages of same monster)
4e type: elemental magical beast (earth)
My type: elemental
Commentary: At this point I cannot be bothered to write a witty retort.

Name: Purple Worm
4e type: natural beast (blind)
My type: beast
Commentary: It’s a giant worm what eats you. Screw you, monster manual!

Name: Remorhaz and Young Remorhaz
4e type: elemental beast
My type: elemental
Commentary: Another giant worm, this time living in the arctic. Screw you, monster manual! Again!

Name: Roc
4e type: not found
My type: beast
Commentary: An even bigger giant eagle.

Name: Rust Monster
4e type: natural beast
My type: beast
Commentary: A land lobster that eats metal. Is this a freaking joke? I've seen scarier stuff in my toilet.

Name: Androsphinx and Gynosphinx
4e type: immortal magical beast
My type: celestial
Commentary: An immortal guardian of temples and stuff created by the gods or an excess of prayer. Why the hell is this not a celestial? The world building sucks.

Name: Tarrasque
4e type: not found
My type: dragon (titan)
Commentary: It’s based on a dragon from French mythology. Don’t ask.

Name: Umber Hulk Tunnel Brute
4e type: natural magical beast
My type: beast or giant
Commentary: A giant crab beetle dude who hypnotizes you into confusion. Lame!

Name: Yeti and Abominable Yeti Abominable Snowman
4e type: not found
My type: giant
Commentary: A large-sized humanoid covered in fur. Cryptozoologists believe these exist in real life.

Name: Yuan-ti Abomination Abominated Serpentfolk
4e type: natural humanoid
My type: giant (lizardfolk, shapechanger)
Commentary: Large-sized sea-snake merfolk.

Name: Yuan-ti Malison Malicious Serpentfolk
4e type: natural humanoid
My type: humanoid (lizardfolk, shapechanger)
Commentary: Medium size lizardfolk.

Name: Death Dog
4e type: not found
My type: beast, fiend, something else?
Commentary: A two-headed dog or hellhound. I guess the guys in charge of making up monsters were suffering writer’s block.

Name: Phase Spider
4e type: immortal beast(?)
My type: beast, celestial, fiend, something else appropriate
Commentary: A giant spider that teleports away when you try to kill it. So spooky!

Name: Winter Wolf
4e type: not found
My type: beast, fiend, I can’t be bothered
Commentary: It’s an evil wolf. Lame!

Name: Worg
4e type: natural magical beast
My type: beast, fiend, finally it’s over!
Commentary: Another evil wolf, only this type it’s a direct rip-off of Lord of the Rings.

At this point I am well and truly sick and tired of trying to imagine what went through the designers' minds when they wrote this stuff. Until next time!